Guess who’s back, back again...

May 11, 2011. A day that I thought would change my life around, completely. Well it did, but not how I expected. On that day, I went into an operating room filled with hope, excitement and anticipation for what great things were to come for me. Little did I know how much things would change, yet stay the same. May something, 2019. A day that I thought was a new beginning, a fresh restart to my bariatric life. On that day, I went into an operating room filled with hope, excitement and anticipation to no longer constantly feel ill, to lose the weight I gained back and enjoy my life again. Little did I know that I would be a bariatric "failure" x2 and be happy about it 2 years later. Let me explain... If you've gone through Bariatric surgery, was the process what you expected? Was the approval process and beginning stages all that you thought it would be? How was it after surgery? Did you receive the support that you needed. How was your new relationship with food? How about with your body? How were goals measured? What did you consider a successful goal reached? If someone were to ask me, neither were what I was expected, either time I went through the process. In 2011, I was desperate to find a way to help get my life together. I was depressed, overwhelmed with guilt, shame and embarrassment for where I was in my life, compared to where I thought I would be. I felt like I didn't have anything in my life under control and didn't know where to even begin to start. And then I learned about Bariatric surgery. I did some research, I met with some Bariatric teams and this sounded like such a fantastic idea, why hadn't I looked into it sooner? Sold to me as this magical fix that would help me get to the shape/size I had always been told I should be and therefore dreamed of. Which would then obviously lead to the rest of my life falling into place. But what I didn't realize back in 2011 is that what I needed was therapy and to learn to love myself, not just bariatric surgery. I desperately needed to work on my mental health, to work on my body image issues and my disordered thinking and eating. I needed to work on loving myself and process trauma in my life that led to me feeling worthless and unlovable. So, why did I do it again in 2019? Because I had severe complications from my initial surgery that needed to be fixed in order to feel better and not have any other more major complications in the future. But in order to under-go the fix, I had to re-enroll in the bariatric pre-op group, go through the same testing and classes as everyone else. Be told that these were my new goal weights and BMIs. Be told that this is what I should eat, and this is what I shouldn't do. Sure, I probably didn't have to go to the post-op appointments, but I am a rule follower, and the rules I did (try) to follow. As you may know, a few years after my initial surgery in 2011, I began to love myself, to find out who I was and what I wanted in life. I learned that a life focused on working out constantly and restrictive eating wasn't really my jam, but it's the life I was told I had to live. So obviously with my "black and white" thinking, it was all or nothing. I either go to the gym 5-7 days a week, eat strictly what is on the diet plan and avoid all alcohol or I fail and don't follow any guidelines. So, I chose to fail. I chose to no longer work out, I chose to eat whatever I wanted and drink whenever I wanted. ...and guess what? I gained weight. I tried desperately to love my body despite gaining back 75 pounds from my lowest, because to me, having my sanity was more important than being skinny. Being happy, spending time with the ones I loved and having time to rest was more important for me than being a specific number on the scale or the BMI chart. I was figuring it out. But then I had complications and in order to fix them, I had to re-enter the bariatric mindset. I wasn't jazzed to say the least, but I embraced it the best I could, however I often had to remind my healthcare team that I wasn't doing this to become (as she said) "skinny" and doing it to feel better. But the mind works in funny ways. Even though I told myself that, after my revision, I fell back into the disordered thinking. At the time didn't see it as disordered thinking, but it sure was. It wasn't until we were tits deep in the pandemic when I realized I needed help. I mean, I've always known I needed help lol, but this was like for real for real, Girl, go get some help. For awhile I was able to distract myself from myself with planning two weddings during a pandemic. But after all the partying was done I was left with my thoughts and the dogs in my home office. Thankfully, I realized pretty quickly that I needed to talk to a professional. I had so many things that I didn't realize I needed to say. We'll save all that for another day. But what I am here to talk about is how through talk therapy I have learned how disordered my thinking is around my body and relationship with food. Bariatric surgery can be an AMAZING tool. I'm not here to shame anyone that has had it, or is thinking about having it. Shit I DID IT TWICE. I am just here to say that it aint for me. and that's okay too. It was recently the 10 year anniversary of my first Bariatric surgery. Later this month will be the 2 year anniversary of my second Bariatric surgery. I am a Bariatric surgery "failure" and I couldn't feel better about my self or my body than I did when I was at my skinniest weight. Come join me for my new adventure of learning to live a fulfilled life focused on intuitive eating and loving my body the way that it is intended to be.