Pursuit of Happiness

What is happy?

I think happiness is different for every person, and it can change throughout their lives.

When I was a kid being happy was simple, it was playing my with toys, it was getting my own chicken basket from Country Chicken when we stayed with Gram. As I got older happiness was being with my friends, and fitting in. As I got older being independent made me happy,  being able to prove myself to...myself and others. I took great pride in my independence and accomplishments. As years went on and accomplishments became fewer and further between, my meaning of happiness became muddled.  I thought what would make me happy was having someone in my life, I thought that having someone besides my family to love me would be all that I needed. I searched for love so desperately to the point that I would take whatever I could get. I didn't care, because why should the fat girl deserve someone so great?

Moving forward a few years,  and shedding a few pounds,  I began to learn my self worth.  Not just in a relationship stand point but career wise, life wise...everything. I began to treat myself the way I always should have.  Having such poor self worth and self esteem really brings out the co-dependency in a girl. I spent so many years doing EVERYTHING for everyone else, in hopes that they would think of how sweet, funny, giving I was and not how fat I was. I began to do things for myself, to become more outspoken,  not to care if someone doesn't agree with what I said. Not to say I am completely different, I still struggle with co-dependency daily. Its just part of who I am. I find joy in doing things for others. But I've also learned when to put me first.

My happiness is the most important aspect in  my life. It has to be. If I'm not happy then how can I give 100% of myself in any situation? I've had to make a lot of tough decisions in the past couple of years in order to get one step closer to happiness.

Most recently, I switched jobs (again), and left my boyfriend (yes the one I was so head over heels for last year)

When you start to find yourself and figure out what you are deserving of, you kinda have to make it happen. I've worked too hard not to have an awesome life.  I'm always going to struggle with being happy, it's just my nature, its not easy being selfish, but sometimes it feels so darn good.