Do you ever catch yourself cruising down the road minding your own business then BAM! You get knocked out with a flood of emotions? No?  Really? Are you sure you aren’t a robot?!

Happens to me more often than I’d like to admit. Actually hit me pretty hard and unexpectedly (but really pretty expectedly) tonight. My grandmother passed away after a very brief, yet difficult battle with cancer this past Spring. Thankfully we were all able to spend as much time with her, sharing laughs, love and memories during her final few weeks. When she finally passed away I of course felt sadness, but was able to prepare myself for the inevitable. But looking back, can you really ever prepare yourself for something like losing a loved one?

Everyone grieves differently, for some it’s an easier process than others. I like to think that (unfortunately) I’m pretty good at this process. I’ve dealt with loss in many different ways in many different times in my life. It never gets easier for sure. But you begin to learn how to process grief a little more predictably. One thing I’ve learned is that grief comes and goes, it never really goes away completely.

Tonight, I was getting out all my Christmas decorations, when I remembered that I had a few things from my grandmother stored in a box upstairs. I began to go through the items in the box, some of her sweaters, an old photo of my parents, sister and my adorable 4 year old self, and then the Christmas ornaments and decorations. All of a sudden I filled with such overwhelming grief I had to sit down. It hit me... this is the first Christmas without her. The first time she won’t be directing us under the Christmas tree for her to take photos that she would just end up giving to us and shipping down to family in Florida so they can keep up to date on our tradition. The first time without her infamous pineapple cake and laughing around the table sharing old memories together.

Something I am terribly guilty of is just forgetting about things and hoping they eventually go away, emotions, bills, litter boxes... all things I’ve learned never go away until you face them head on.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel moments of sadness, of anger, of  embarrassment and obviously it’s very okay to feel moments of happiness. It’s not okay to ignore these things because eventually they are gonna sneak right up on ya and kick you out. Life isn’t always roses, we’ve all got bumps in the road, but the important part is how we come out of these storms and the lessens we learned. Part of being forced to process these emotions definitely came from no longer being able to just hide behind food. I can no longer just ignore feelings with a pint of ice cream or pizza for one. It’s sad that it took having bariatric surgery to force myself to properly process emotions, but also something I don’t regret for a second!

Tonight I’ve learned to love the ones you love hard, make sure they know. Ask your relatives about their lives, what were they like as kids, what did they fall in love with about their spouses, how do they make your favorite holiday dessert. Don’t take any moment for granted. And it’s okay to be in a glass cage of emotions once in a while.

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