Disjointed
I thought that I would dedicate this post to the question Why? I think this will act more as kindle to start my pre -op and post-op brain.
Why did I have surgery? I was over 300 lbs, severely depressed and felt like my life was just spiraling down, fast. I didn't have a great job in the 3 years prior to deciding to move forward with surgery, therefore, feeling like I had failed with my career after college. I wasn't happy with who I was, or where I was headed, I had zero confidence which led me to toxic relationships, which only damaged me further. I was the unhealthiest I had ever been, weighing in over 300lbs, with a BMI of over 50, and a food addiction that I only saw getting worse. I knew that if I didn't take drastic measures, things were only going to go down hill. And I wasn't ready for that, as rock bottom as I felt, I still had a little bit of stubbornness left inside telling me to fight.
Why did I choose VSG over Lap Band or Gastric Bypass? At first, I was dead set on having Lap Band. I had never undergone an invasive surgery before. I was afraid that doing so, would severely restrict my life style (which really was not a good lifestyle to begin with). After discussing my options with my WONDERFUL Surgeon, Dr. Alshkaki, we decided that VSG would be the best option. My weight and health was not in serious danger at the time, so Gastric Bypass seemed too invasive for me, and Lap Band surgery didn't seem to have as good of long term restrictions that I knew I needed if I wanted to make positive changes. Dr. Alshkaki was very supportive in making sure that all decisions were mine. He was simply there to provide the information and perform the procedure, and then provide aftercare support. Although I haven't been the most successful Bariatric post-op patient, I am extremely pleased with my decision to go with VSG. Each option though is different, and has great benefits for each individual. If you are thinking about undergoing a bariatric procedure I suggest doing your research, with the procedures, as well as Surgeons and Facilities in your region.
What happened after surgery? I thought I was going to die. Just kidding, I'm just "sensitive". Post-op was tough. I was in a lot of pain, I felt super weak, and in the first time in my life, I didn't feel hungry. It's crazy to think that someone with a life long food addiction would all of a sudden no longer have an appetite, just because a piece of your stomach was removed, but it was true. My whole life, I never felt full, or satisfied, and if I did, trust me, it wasn't for very long. I remember being a kid and sneaking food whenever I could, just because. Not because my family was poor, and we didn't know when our next meal would be. I was just hungry. If I was bored I wanted food, sad- wanted food- happy wanted food. It didn't matter, As I got older, I continued to binge eat. I remember a few months before undergoing surgery, stopping at McDonalds on my way home from work to pick up some Double Cheeseburgers as a "snack" before I would get home to make dinner. I was addicted, and I didn't know how to stop. I was ashamed to admit that I had a problem, and knew that I needed to take drastic measures to help realign my thinking in regards to eating. VSG, in my eyes is the tool that I needed to help me with this. Post-op diet was pretty easy to get accustomed to, finding new ways to deal with your emotions was something else. Feeling sad? Mad? I couldn't just cover my emotions with food now, I had to let it out. I became a better advocate for myself. Voicing my opinion, no longer trying to please everyone, because before I was worried that I couldn't be both the fat girl and the one who speaks her mind. I now embraced being able to put me first, to say how I felt, because eating a pint of ice cream was no longer an option.
Why did you gain? Because I stopped following the diet. It's as easy as that. I could come up with excuses like "Because I was working 7 days a week" or "Because I was in an unhealthy relationship". But the reality is , I stopped following the diet. I started drinking alcohol again, I started eating carbs more often, I started exercising less. And yes, those excuses up there were true, I was working constantly, I couldn't afford my favorite fitness classes anymore, I wasn't happy with the relationship I was in, but felt guilty for encouraging the person to move from the DMV to New Hampshire, without really knowing if that was the person I wanted to be with. So instead of dealing with my emotions, I fell back into my old routine. I hid. I tried to avoid the difficult conversation by not being home. Working 7 days a week, and going out with my friends. Which then led to bad choices. Obviously these bad choices didn't all occur at once. But slowly over time, your body gets more accustomed to your lifestyle choices, and your sleeve stops doing it's job, because your stopped making the right choices.
So, you broke things off with the toxic relationship, and you still gained, now why? Because I decided that I need to do what makes me happy. My sleeve still works, trust me, but I've also learned that being "skinny" isn't what is going to make me happy. Being with friends, relaxing, cuddling my pup and going on adventures with my love, is what makes me happy. Would I like to feel more fit? Sure. But what I would also like is to sit on the couch for an hour before I need to go to bed. I've learned that life is about balance. While I know that I haven't been terribly successful with VSG post op care and routine, it gave me the kick in the butt that I needed, and has helped me focus on being the best "me" that I can be, and helping me find what is important in a healthy life.
I like that I can go out with my friends and indulge a little, but not nearly like I used to pre-operatively. I know my limits, and incase I forget, my sleeve oh so nicely reminds me that it still exists.
I'm not sure how to close this post, I've read over it, and have considered not posting it. Because I'm not sure what the end result is of it. But ya know? This blog is just as much for me to get my thoughts out as it is for ya'll to follow my journey. So hop aboard my disjointed thought train. Or don't. Your call, and you know what? I won't eat my feelings of being dismissed. And if I try, I'll probably throw them back up. Ha!
Why did I have surgery? I was over 300 lbs, severely depressed and felt like my life was just spiraling down, fast. I didn't have a great job in the 3 years prior to deciding to move forward with surgery, therefore, feeling like I had failed with my career after college. I wasn't happy with who I was, or where I was headed, I had zero confidence which led me to toxic relationships, which only damaged me further. I was the unhealthiest I had ever been, weighing in over 300lbs, with a BMI of over 50, and a food addiction that I only saw getting worse. I knew that if I didn't take drastic measures, things were only going to go down hill. And I wasn't ready for that, as rock bottom as I felt, I still had a little bit of stubbornness left inside telling me to fight.
Why did I choose VSG over Lap Band or Gastric Bypass? At first, I was dead set on having Lap Band. I had never undergone an invasive surgery before. I was afraid that doing so, would severely restrict my life style (which really was not a good lifestyle to begin with). After discussing my options with my WONDERFUL Surgeon, Dr. Alshkaki, we decided that VSG would be the best option. My weight and health was not in serious danger at the time, so Gastric Bypass seemed too invasive for me, and Lap Band surgery didn't seem to have as good of long term restrictions that I knew I needed if I wanted to make positive changes. Dr. Alshkaki was very supportive in making sure that all decisions were mine. He was simply there to provide the information and perform the procedure, and then provide aftercare support. Although I haven't been the most successful Bariatric post-op patient, I am extremely pleased with my decision to go with VSG. Each option though is different, and has great benefits for each individual. If you are thinking about undergoing a bariatric procedure I suggest doing your research, with the procedures, as well as Surgeons and Facilities in your region.
What happened after surgery? I thought I was going to die. Just kidding, I'm just "sensitive". Post-op was tough. I was in a lot of pain, I felt super weak, and in the first time in my life, I didn't feel hungry. It's crazy to think that someone with a life long food addiction would all of a sudden no longer have an appetite, just because a piece of your stomach was removed, but it was true. My whole life, I never felt full, or satisfied, and if I did, trust me, it wasn't for very long. I remember being a kid and sneaking food whenever I could, just because. Not because my family was poor, and we didn't know when our next meal would be. I was just hungry. If I was bored I wanted food, sad- wanted food- happy wanted food. It didn't matter, As I got older, I continued to binge eat. I remember a few months before undergoing surgery, stopping at McDonalds on my way home from work to pick up some Double Cheeseburgers as a "snack" before I would get home to make dinner. I was addicted, and I didn't know how to stop. I was ashamed to admit that I had a problem, and knew that I needed to take drastic measures to help realign my thinking in regards to eating. VSG, in my eyes is the tool that I needed to help me with this. Post-op diet was pretty easy to get accustomed to, finding new ways to deal with your emotions was something else. Feeling sad? Mad? I couldn't just cover my emotions with food now, I had to let it out. I became a better advocate for myself. Voicing my opinion, no longer trying to please everyone, because before I was worried that I couldn't be both the fat girl and the one who speaks her mind. I now embraced being able to put me first, to say how I felt, because eating a pint of ice cream was no longer an option.
Why did you gain? Because I stopped following the diet. It's as easy as that. I could come up with excuses like "Because I was working 7 days a week" or "Because I was in an unhealthy relationship". But the reality is , I stopped following the diet. I started drinking alcohol again, I started eating carbs more often, I started exercising less. And yes, those excuses up there were true, I was working constantly, I couldn't afford my favorite fitness classes anymore, I wasn't happy with the relationship I was in, but felt guilty for encouraging the person to move from the DMV to New Hampshire, without really knowing if that was the person I wanted to be with. So instead of dealing with my emotions, I fell back into my old routine. I hid. I tried to avoid the difficult conversation by not being home. Working 7 days a week, and going out with my friends. Which then led to bad choices. Obviously these bad choices didn't all occur at once. But slowly over time, your body gets more accustomed to your lifestyle choices, and your sleeve stops doing it's job, because your stopped making the right choices.
So, you broke things off with the toxic relationship, and you still gained, now why? Because I decided that I need to do what makes me happy. My sleeve still works, trust me, but I've also learned that being "skinny" isn't what is going to make me happy. Being with friends, relaxing, cuddling my pup and going on adventures with my love, is what makes me happy. Would I like to feel more fit? Sure. But what I would also like is to sit on the couch for an hour before I need to go to bed. I've learned that life is about balance. While I know that I haven't been terribly successful with VSG post op care and routine, it gave me the kick in the butt that I needed, and has helped me focus on being the best "me" that I can be, and helping me find what is important in a healthy life.
I like that I can go out with my friends and indulge a little, but not nearly like I used to pre-operatively. I know my limits, and incase I forget, my sleeve oh so nicely reminds me that it still exists.
I'm not sure how to close this post, I've read over it, and have considered not posting it. Because I'm not sure what the end result is of it. But ya know? This blog is just as much for me to get my thoughts out as it is for ya'll to follow my journey. So hop aboard my disjointed thought train. Or don't. Your call, and you know what? I won't eat my feelings of being dismissed. And if I try, I'll probably throw them back up. Ha!
LOVED IT!!! What a blessing you are to me! Go Sarah!
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